Got a Match?

Since I will be dressed in camo this week and hopefully concealed from the deer and maybe even politics, here is a reprint of one of my old favorites that if you have not seen, I hope you will enjoy. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

What ever happened to strike anywhere matches? I happened upon this little clandestine plot and I am not sure who is responsible but I think it could be the commies or maybe even terrorist, or at the very least those forces within our government that think we are too stupid to make our own decisions. Who ever is responsible I would like to take them to task.

As a young child I remember my great uncle, who kinda served as my grandfather in my formative years, always striking a match on the seat of his pants. If you are old enough to remember black and white TV then you remember the pose, you hike your leg and reach around and strike that wooden kitchen match on the seat of your britches. They are called friction matches, they have the little white sulfur tip and you can strike them anywhere. You didn’t have to have the box or anything like that. A pill bottle full of these little wonders could be kept in the tool box or by the burn barrel or just about anywhere. Who out there doesn’t remember the little tin box on the wall in Granny’s kitchen? It held a whole box of these little wooden wonders and it was gravity fed. They just fell to the bottom in the little tray, always at the ready to light the stove or the pilot light on the floor furnace and I don’t remember anybody’s Granny being in any kind of jeopardy because of this ignition source. High cholesterol from all that fried chicken was more of an issue but I don’t ever remember an obituary where a kitchen match was the culprit. Kitchen matches were so common and so simple, but I challenge you to try to find them and I think you will see what I mean. I think that you will be surprised how scarce they have become. I know you are probably thinking," My goodness Don, get a life" but here’s how I got to this point.

The conversation occurred quite by chance as a bunch of guys were gathered at a friends house watching Texas Tech beat the stuffin’ out of our beloved O-State Cowboys. As the score became more lopsided the conversation veered towards what it should be this time of year, deer camp. This same group used to make an annual pilgrimage to Southeast Oklahoma during deer season and sometimes we even hunted. But the camp and the camaraderie were what we really enjoyed. My friend Rod Smith asked "has anybody seen any strike anywhere matches lately?" and we all said "well sure, you can get them anywhere" and he said "No, no you can’t. I’ve looked at the dollar stores, Wal-Mart and even the grocery store; I think they have been taken off the market." Well friends and neighbors, in the twenty-first century you know what we do…we Google it. So when I got home the first thing I did was do a quick little search for strike anywhere matches. Interesting what you find out when you Google. Apparently this is not a local problem, this may be global. There is an entire chat room devoted to this very subject, with people from all walks of life bemoaning the difficulty of finding this very common household product. There is even talk of these matches being outlawed in some states. You guessed it, liability issues. I hope I don’t find out that the office of Homeland Security has determined in its infinite wisdom, that the strike anywhere match is now to dangerous too be sold on the open market, but I think it has.

I don’t remember if the terrorists used these in 9-11 or not but I kinda doubt it. There is even talk in these chat rooms about these matches having Hazmat designation, which means they are considered hazardous material, which I believe boarders on the insane. I remember as a child we used to make stink bombs out of an ink pen, a simple bobby pin and one of these matches. I don’t believe anybody ever died or lost an eye or had any kind of permanent scars from the lowly friction match but I do remember an upset teacher or two. But, somebody somewhere in a big fancy office, who probably never lit a match on the seat of their pants, decided for us that these were too dangerous for the American public.

Now I know that I should use this space to discuss this week in Oklahoma politics but I can’t let this go without at least a little rant about big brother protecting us from ourselves. I challenge you to go shopping, and try to find these matches. I did find a source at a small hardware store, I bought the last three boxes and told them to order me a case and I would buy them all. And I think I will keep them under lock and key and hope my name hasn’t been flagged by the secret agents in the U.S. Government or the "double naught spies" that ‘ol Jethro used to talk about on the Beverly Hillbillies. I bet ‘ol Jed Clampett could light a match on the seat of his pants. I promise I am not going to over throw anything, I just want to light my burn barrel with friction matches in a little water proof pill bottle that I keep down by the shop.

The funny thing is, some would argue that they have been replaced by the these new fangled long stemmed lighters but I am here to tell you whoever designed that little gem is an idiot, they light about three times and then you throw them away. But I am sure that we are much safer. But I promise you we went backward not forward, kinda like "if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it." I know this seems like a little thing but I think it shows how silly we can get when we start having discussions on safety.

Notice I didn’t tell you where my source was, it’s my own little honey hole, like a secret bass pond or a secret grove of trees where the big buck hangs out. You can torture me, but I ain’t talking. So if you find any strike anywhere wooden matches you better buy them before the government totally outlaws them, for your own good. My goodness what’s next, the round toothpick? God help us. Kinda makes me want to eat paste and run with scissors just to make sure I am still alive, I am such a rebel.

If you would like to contact me, while I’m at the Capitol, please don’t hesitate to call 800-522-8502 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 800-522-8502 end_of_the_skype_highlighting or send an email to donarmes@okhouse.gov .

And here’s a little something to think about, as you go down the road:

"The sky never falls all at once – it’s always a little at a time." -Don Armes